Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
