The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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