My friends, they love my intelligence
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
