I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
