hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
