you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
