there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
