wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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