I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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