wrigley field is MILF paradise
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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