You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
The best walk of shames are on the highway
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
