I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
