and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
