I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
