I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
