Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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