Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
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The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
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The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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