I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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