T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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