hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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