ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
