its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
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bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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