it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We left the knife in your bed.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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