it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
