Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
