insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
