I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
