party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
