I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
