I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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