help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Randomize
