So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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