my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
