I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
This toilet bowl is my home.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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