Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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