forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
