made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
