Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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