I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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