I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
