I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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