I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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