I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
