the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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