All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just invented taco cereal.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
