in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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