Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
