wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
