I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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