Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
