I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
