I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
