I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
