Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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