I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
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Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
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Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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