wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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